Happy Birthday to the New Me
I made it to 26…and I couldn’t be more grateful. I promise I wont take this year for granted. I am dedicating my re-launch of my blog to my birthday specifically because I needed to. There have been so many promises and goals I made to myself last year that I never put into motion and i refuse to do the same this year. I also wanted to shed light on my tumultuous year and the journey I made to make it through to give myself clarity but more importantly help someone who may be in same place I used to be in. FYI – all that bullshit you’re going through is temporary sis.
I am normally VERY private about my life, with only a few loved ones knowing my real situations and trials. I started off my 25th birthday unemployed; being laid off from a full-time, salary position just weeks before. i hated it though, so deep down I was thrilled that I could move onto my next career goal but terrified because how TF am I supposed to pay my car note?! So many of my friends and family told me to embrace it but how could I? Basically I was told I wasnt valuable enough to even keep on the team – how about fuck you then.
My lay off was nice at first; got to sleep in, saw my family more often, more time with bae lol. But it got old fast and I noticed the job interviews became slimmer and slimmer. I thought I would be able to pick up another full-time, salaried position in no time, especially with my broad degree – wrong sis. They don’t tell you in college that your B.A. basically becomes no existent and experience overrules. I was shocked to be honest; I knew I had a lot to offer. My mood was changing. I noticed a decline in motivation, aspiration, and life itself honestly.
I fell into a deep depression..
It started off with my attitude. I started to have extremely negative thoughts about everything; life, my friends who were excelling, people who had what I wanted, and much more. I resented myself for so much I knew I had no control over, but it didn’t matter. Crying myself to sleep and having anxiety attacks became to often but it didnt change anything. I was embarrassed. So embarrassed that I would hide the fact I had issues to the closest people in my life. I was also lost and I felt like I had two different people in my head telling me what to do. I would have really great days and then really bad days. It got to the point where I couldn’t even get out of bed until an hour before my boyfriend comes home (he gets home at around 5:30pm btw); basically lying to him as if I was up all day. I really didnt know what to do. It was dark for me and I was isolating myself, on what felt like was on purpose, but I seriously did not know otherwise. My life is over…is what I kept telling myself.
I was NOT ok
Day after day, things just got worse for me. I felt like in order to get a sound sleep, I had to medicate with ibuprofen or Norco. If I didn’t, I would literally be up for 24 hours straight. I thought I was going crazy and was kinda convinced. It wasnt until I had a conversation with my boyfriend that then I realized shit needs to change now. The beginning of this year, he secured a second job with the help of his mentor. He went on and on about his goals for this new job and his interest in investment banking, etc. A man that has legitimate goals – jealous right? So as he’s talking about this amazing stuff, all I could focus on was “How TF did he get this job with literally no professional experience and I’m the one with the degree, management experience, etc, etc?” I had way more negative thoughts but i’m choosing not to share. isn’t this crazy though? I’m a jealous bitch right? How could I have such nasty and negative thoughts about a man who truly loves me and cares for me? I had envy towards him. At that moment, I knew I had to change my ways.
Talking about my mental health to him was not easy, especially since I didn’t want to sound crazy. I honestly thought he was going to leave me lol. He didnt but he showed his true concern for me. After our long chat, shit became different. I told myself that I would change; I needed to. So I found an outlet – powerlifting. I can truly say that powerlifting and my fitness journey has helped with my focus and thinking so much. It has really allowed for me to let my frustration out while becoming strong as hell. I fell in love with it and still am in love. I also started talking to God; and I mean having real life conversations with Him. It became so liberating for me and helped me pinpoint my next big goal(s).
top: H&M pants: f21 sze 28 hat: bae’s shoes: Steve Madden
Mental health is a huge stigma in the black community. It’s never talked about and is normally looked down upon. I’m here to tell you that black women are going through mental health issues; whether its my depression or someone’s bipolar issue, it’s still happening. I realized this when talking to one of my close friends and finding out she too had been going through something very similar. We both were shocked because we would have never known but im glad we had that teary-eyed convo because I feel it’s made us closer.
A new me this time
I had no direction last year but I feel so different this time around. I feel like I really had to go through obstacles like ending friendships, being made fun off by grown ass men because of my unemployment (that they knew no back story too), clashing and fighting with my boyfriend, etc. But I’ve chosen to take back my life and push forward with new, attainable goals that I’m already putting into motion (this blog included). I wanted to list some things I’m doing this year that are really helping me cope with my depression and anxiety that don’t involve medication and I wanna use it to keep me committed and accountable.
- Talking to God everyday – making sure I am not only calling to Him when things are going really good or really bad, but at every moment.
- Putting myself first always – I notice that I tend to put others before myself at times and in doing this, I have already seen a change in my mood for the better.
- Using healthy outlets to cope – whether it be powerlifting or cooking.
- Family – talking to my family everyday on Marco Polo has been a lifesaver.
- Podcasts – I like to listen whenever im in the car or if I’m bored and need something to do. I love Joel Osteen!
- Truly living life everyday for me – this sounds so cliché but I noticed that I was trying to live life through social media through other people.
I am so sorry for the long post but I really am hoping that at least 1 person is moved by this and is motivated to get help. Whoever you are sis, just know that you are not alone and that there is an entire community behind you. If you feel like you have no one, YOU DO. I’m here. All this is temporary and your situation is never permanent if you don’t want it to be. My depression will always be with me and I might have another breakdown but I know that I have a support system and I’m hoping you know that too.